i love the metro because it is such a unique situation, so many opportunities to obeserve human behavior. sometimes it is funny (like two hippies transporting an old beat up bookshelf) and other times it is sad (noticing a nanny get too rough with the children traveling with her). today it was both scary and personal, which sucked.
so the orange line at rush hour is insane, people pack in like sardines. tonight, i met up with my dear friend S, who was in town to apartment hunt, since she is working at a DC firm this summer. i ate the best tom yum soup ever, then said goodbye because i was late to pick up H's birthday ice cream cake. there were 2 orange line trains two minutes apart, and i find a way to squeeze on the first one, but since foggy bottom is the second to last stop where people typically board the train on its way out to the 'burbs, i was very close to the door. when the train got to the last stop where people want to get on (rosslyn), this guy in a military uniform, carrying his military uniform dry cleaning, pushes me hard to squeeze onto the train-- one of the worst pushes i have received, i was literally knocked into this lady's backpack on wheels. but i say nothing and just hold on to stay upright. he had a shaved head, black combat boots, and he was at least six feet tall and black. he had a full camoflauge miltary uniform on. i mention that he was black only because it plays into something i did later.
so we get to the next stop, and of course tons of people want to exit, including the lady right beside me. so i turn and exit the train. it was squished, but absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. as i am waiting for people to leave, military man turns to me and says, "if you push me again, i will punch you.... stupid bitch." i was in shock, so i said nothing and reboarded the train. at this point, i was scared, so i weave around a bunch of women to be farther away from him. i explain this to them saying, "i need to move-- that guy just called me a stupid bitch."
he overhears me and says loudly in front of the whole train, "that's right i called you a stupid bitch-- don't you push me." i have this philosophy of trying to quell violence, trying to reach common understanding-- i hate how often (white) people won't talk to some people, and act like they are better in their smug silence. this is especially important to me when race comes into play. so i say to him, "there's no need for namecalling. i was just moving to assist others trying to exit." he starts saying again how i am a stupid bitch.
at this point the women around me made sushing noises, and i didn't respond. i hoped he would exit at the next stop, but he definitely stayed on the line until the end, when i exit too. so i waited until he exited the train before even getting up from my seat.
it was so scary and frustrating on so many levels. it sucked because no one spoke up when it happened (and frustrating that the threat was made outside the train, so no one heard about the punching) and no one afterward spoke to me... they just averted their eyes... so much like the kitty genovese situation which occurs in large groups. there was no community, just a 6 foot tall man in combat boots calling a 5 foot 3 girl a stupid bitch. plus i was frustrated because what was i supposed to do? there actually was a policeman in the station, but it just seemed pointless to file a police report. so instead i just got in the car and cried. and even now there is this pain in my stomach, a palpable fear-- i have never had a stranger threaten violence towards me.
it's hard to process too because the situation just violated all the rules i have in my head of ordered society. if it would have been H who had been threatened, we could have said, "oh, homophobe" and at least it would fill a compartment... but here, it makes no sense. it made me understand how victims, especially those who are attacked by strangers, feel-- i immediately understood the victim who buys a gun and keeps looking around. maybe this is overreacting, but i ride the metro at least 10 times a week and i have never seen anything like what i experienced. and the guy was not crazy, he got on at rosslyn, where a lot of military people work... he was carrying his dry cleaning. plus i didn't push him and he pushed me so hard when he boarded the train! and of course, even if i did push him, violence is never an appropriate response. plus it made me feel so alone in a sea of people.
it made me miss indiana, because people actually talk to each other and comfort strangers in bad situations. in indiana people are nice at gas stations. they may disagree with your politics, but if you are gender normative, they are genuine when they ask how you are. they talk to each other. i notice this in dc all the time: someone will be putting their fare card in upside down and no one will stop and say to turn it over. i do though. i think that is why tourists ask me for directions all the time.
so... i am scared i will come in contact with that person again. i also feel sorry for him, because what kind of person does that??? if i could redo the situation, i would have said, "i feel genuinely sorry for you." the namecalling is one thing, i probably would have just laughed about it later if that was all it was, but the threat of violence, which was so sincere-- i will never forget the way he looked at me. and it made me think about misogny, about the way some men use their strength and their combat boots to absolutely devastate women. how powerful that is. it riled up the feminist in me. but it also riled up a fear i have never experienced before.
